Waste Away

Saturday, August 16, 2008

From a very young age I remember the magick. The magick of a butterfly flying through the air. The magick of the sun warming the earth. The magick of a breeze kissing my cheek or the rain washing my hair. It was there from the very beginning, and in a way, will always be there. Yet, I still find myself wondering where that magick went. Did it dissapear alongside my so-called innocence? Or have I simply just lost hope in all that is good? I can honestly say that I still BELIEVE... yet, why can't I feel it as I used to? The magick that once held my life together... It's harder to see now, less prominent... Not so much a part of my life as it once was. My dreams are fading too and I find myself living a life that is not a life.. A life full of complacency. A half life if you will. A life that can no longer be called my own... A life that belongs to the demons and fears I refuse to face. A life no longer filled with magick and hope, but one filled with sadness and hatred.

**magick is the archaic spelling of the more familiar word magic. It is USED on PURPOSE.**

.:Posted by Miss Useless:.

A butterflies kiss placed upon razor blade lips cutting and tearing away at my senses. Grasping for you yet finding nothing but a handful of hate and fear. We were two lost souls looking for answers and a reason to live... Yet all we found were wounded hearts and calloused words... And nothing to hold onto but our fears.

And yet through all this confusion we've faced and our world so filled with hate my heart still bleeds for you. So place ill place my butterflies kiss on your razorblade lips and let the cycle arise renewed.

Love me... Hurt me....

Maybe one day we'll be able to erase our fears.

.:Posted by Miss Useless:.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

So I haven't written in a while. Ran out of things to say I suppose. Doesn't help I've been busy with work and side jobs. It's hard to get by in todays world and survive. Feels like people lose the root of who they are in the business and stress we put on ourselves because of what is expected of us. It's hard for me to be an optimist in todays world when everything feels like its going to hell around us. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. Maybe it's just a misgiving. Some false sense of something or other that makes it seem so bad. I've come to the conclusion that we're all spoiled. In the true sense of the word. Send us back a couple of hundred years and see how well we'd survive. I don't rightly think that we would at all. Period. We'd die of hunger or exposure and loneliness. Wonder what would kill us first? The fact that there'd be no Wal-Mart to go to when we needed clothes and food? Or the fact that we'd have no T.V. and cell phones to keep us occupied and to turn our brains to mush to keep us from focusing on things that we really should be thinking about.

At any rate... today for the first time in a long while I left my computer screen. Left my house. Went out by myself brought a spiral with me. I had no cell phone, no computer, no ipod. Just my guitar and a pad to write on. I started out with the hopes of writing a song. Nothing came. So I just began to write. Didn't really turn into anything I could work with either, but it made me think about a lot. Just thought I should post my rambing musings for the entertainment of my non-existent readers. So it begins...

I lost myself years ago. No so certain I ever found my way back to the path of light. Not so certain I was ever there at all. All I know is that the breeze tonight is lovely as it plays with my hair and caresses my cheeks. The Texas stars are oh so very bright tonight.

We all have so many unrealized hopes and dreams. And the sad thing is that in today's society short of being rich or very lucky, we'll never conquer them all... But I'd like to think that regardless that somewhere, someway I mean something to someone. That I made a difference in their life.

Lying down in the grass. Staring up at the clouds. Childlike in my thoughts. Wishing that all the cruelty in the world could subside so that one day we all might feel your love as I do right now.

Nature surrounds. The hurts they cease. All I need right now is your loving caress to remind me how to feel again.

Is this really what you wanted? Is this my purpose for your plans? How do I know for certain that my life is in your hands?

All I know is that tonight the tears of a nation could subside if they'd all sit back and let your loving spirit abide in them as it dwells in me. In this land. In this breeze. In these stars I know that all can see.

I know God that I really don't belong here. Not so certain if I ever did or if this is just a closing off of myself to the word outside. I oft times feel so trapped by own prison.. By my own picture of who I am and who I think I should be... At times I know I'm scared of what I can become if let myself.

I know nothing is as you intended it to be. When it rains I think of all the tears you cry for a civilization gone horrible wrong. We're lost souls searching for answers in a world that turned its back on us years ago. It its all we've really got.

Yet... I promise that all hope is NOT lost. For hope and faith are all we've got to hold onto. Without that I think we'd all be the mindless zombies we all at times pretend to be. I have hope somewhere deep inside for this world. We'll all see and know you again and feel your presence on this clear starry Texas night.

Love may not be the answer that we are all looking for... But I think it's the only way that we will survive.

.:Posted by Miss Useless:.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

So.. slowly and steadily this blog will move away from my rants and moans to a place that I'm going to post and write about the creative things I do. Anything from my sewing adventures, to painting and sculpting, to my web design and graphic design. I think it's better to write about that than 'how much my life sucks and blah blah blah.' because honestly, I think everybody's life sucks. And, if you think about life, it's all about what you make of a situation. You can go into the worst of situations, however, if you go in with a positive outlook, I can promise it won't be as miserable as if you went into with a bad outlook.

So, to begin this new direction in my blogging life, I will begin with my latest creative adventure.

The Back Story:
Josh and I have slowly been upgrading our living space. It started with my getting a computer desk and computer chair. It then moved to us getting a new kickass HDTV, which then lead to us needing a new TV stand, a new sound system, and then a new stand to put our cd player and record player on. We were well on our way to having the apartment of our dreams. However, ONE LITTLE THING stood in the way. The ugliest, nastiest, hand-me-down couch you could ever imagine. It did not go with our style, which is modern, black, silver, reds, blacks, and zebra print. No, it did not go AT ALL with the style we were looking for. It was floweredy, marroons, pinks, greens.. to top that off, it was stained with stains that honestly, I'm not sure that I want to know where they came from, because they sure as hell didn't come from us. To top that off, it had rips and tears and nastiness simply ALL OVER IT! So, I decided we were getting a new couch. However, after looking at the prices of black leather couches (which is simply put, the couch of my dreams) I decided that we can't afford it right now. Especially after spending close to $1500.00 on the rest of our upgrades (most of which was the 42" tv). I decided to let the new couch idea die. But I couldn't get over my hatred for our nasty couch. Then, an idea popped into my head...
The Idea:
Now, as both my boyfriend and I aren't rolling in the money, over the years, we've learned to be very thrifty, and I've come up with this amazing talent of being able to find the best sales for the weirdest things. So, when I woke up today, I came up with an idea. Couch covers! However, after going to almost every store in Victoria, I realized that the couch cover idea wouldn't work. Simply because first off, they had the UGLIEST covers I have ever seen, and second of all, the cheapest one I found was $50.00, which was not good. Especially since I knew I could figure out a way for cheaper. Then, the idea came to me. I'll make my own damn covers, and to hell with the rest. So, I went BACK to Big Lots, and bought two Full Size Sheet sets for $9.00 each. Then went back to Wal-Mart to pick up some upholstery thread, needles, safety pins, and a Full Size Sheet for $9.00.

The Process:
So, I arrived back at the apartment full of hope. Because as it is with most of my creative endeavors, I've got the idea, I've got the know-how, I've got the supplies, but getting from step one to the end is usually blurry. So after a few missed tries, I found a way that worked well. I apologize that I can't explain things very well in advance....

1. Take the fitted sheet in the full size sheet set, and use it to cover the seating area and the bottom of the couch. Tuck the sheet into any area to keep it from sliding around and looking nasty. Try to get the sheet as slick and as even on all sides as possible!

2. Take the full size sheet and proceed to cover the part of the couch that your back rests on. (I'm at a loss of words as to what that part is called.) Since the back of our couch rests against a wall, it wasn't imperative that the back of the couch look nice, so I just kind of left that part draped over.

3. To cover the arm rests, take the King size sheet and cut it in half. This part will be used to cover the arm rests. I took one of the cut sheets and wrapped it until it was nice and fitted around the arm rest. Once again, tuck the parts of the sheet that you can into the pillows so that it stays.

4. Of course, there are going to be some parts that don't lay right, or simply won't stay. I used a safety pin to hold those parts in place temporarily.

5. Lastly, using your sewing needles and upholstery thread, sew the places that didn't hold very well. I sewed the front of the arm rests, and the parts where the two separate sheets met on the side of the couch.

Pictures:

This is what it looked like when I finished. It looks SOOO much better! I can actually sit on it now without worrying about what disease I will catch. ;) I honestly wish I had a picture of what it looked like before.. But I decided I was posting this blog after the fact and took no before pictures. I apologize!

This is the finished product! With all its zebra glory!

.:Posted by Miss Useless:.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Will the stress, the tears, the confusion, this lost feeling... will it ever end?

Seriously. Whoever you are up there, whatever you are up there, if this is a test, I honestly don't know how much more I can take!

Although things have been going better. Josh is getting paid better, I'm getting a good income. We've got enough money to pay the bills and enough left over to live comfortably.

And we even recently invested in a new sound system and a new TV, and I'm hoping to get a new couch so we can get rid of this ragged P.O.S. we have here now... There are stains on it that I honestly don't know where they came from and why they are there, and to be honest, I don't rightly want to know. It's all holey and and gutted too.. and Louie Dog doesn't help that much. However, I digress..

There seems to be other things at play here. Other fears, torments, something, that's plaguing me now.

The fear of the future, the unknown? Or maybe the fear of failing myself?

I came close to dropping out of school, although I'm still sticking with it. I'm not struggling like I was at the beginning of the semester, however, now other things are jumping in my life. Doubts, dreams unrealized, or better yet, dreams realized but that are impossible for me to achieve.

I feel like I'm seriously not good enough to make a name for myself out there. I feel also like to be able to make, I'm going to have to give up a part of myself, of who I am. And honestly, if that is the case, if I have to be forced to play the game their way and give up on who I am then what good am I? I've never been one to give up, but I feel like I'm backed into a corner. Like I've been fighting this invisible force for the past few months. And I still don't know what the hell it is. I've come the assumption, however, that I'm simply fighting myself and my unrealistic fears.

At any rate, I've got to pick myself out of this hole and move on, or I feel I might be stuck here for forever.

I keep trying to remind myself who I am and what I stand for. If I can cling on to that, I think I might be able to make it through this rough point in my life alive. And I'll be able to come out of it for the better.

So, anyways. I leave you with this quote...
"Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit."
-Henry Brook Adams; 1838-1918

Beautiful...

.:Posted by Miss Useless:.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

So, obviously I get stressed out WAAAAAAAY to easily. Honestly, I do. I know I do. And when I do, I can become a real bitch, way emotional, and very irritable. Crying happens. Panic attacks take over.

I've been REALLY stressed out lately. For many reasons... But I think I FINALLY understand what Mr. R.B. was talking about.

I am honestly afraid of FAILURE. Dead afraid of it.. to the point that I almost lose interest and motivation to move forward. But not in all aspects of my life, just certain points. Like the web design stuff. I'm so afraid I'll never be 'good enough or competitive enough' to make it anywhere. I don't know.

Trying is such a big thing I think.. If you don't at least give it a shot, you never know what exactly you can do... what your capable of.

I'll only make it as far in life as I will let myself. I am my biggest enemy at this point... and I'm the only one who is going to stop me. I know this to be true.

I'm so behind in school again.. missed two days of history lectures. Got a Government test tomorrow that I haven't studied for and don't CARE to study for.

I think I'm alright in what I'm going to school in. I don't think I'm the best. There is so much that I've yet to learn.... I don't know.

I'm going to eat and study and then catch up on things tomorrow.

Wish me luck guys.

Annd... someone, anyone. Help me not to be so afraid anymore?

.:Posted by Miss Useless:.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

So. I haven't posted anything in like forever. I've been super busy with school and other miscellaneous things as well.

Some things in my life right now are for certain.

I am attempting to get my own business started and to get my name out into the world. I plan on getting this done in various ways.... So let me explain.

I love designing things. I love CREATING things. So, I am going to start to businesses both intertwined with the other. The first will be my web design business. I'm going to attempt to do this one so I can get a good job with the degree I have. Might as well make use of it, eh? So. number 1. Web Design. I already have some people looking at me to design their websites. I'm pretty excited.. The first and foremost of these being 'In The Skin', a local tattoo parlor.

Now.. The second business that I am going to be working with is going to be clothing design. I've had numerous people come up to me asking me about my clothing, jewelry, bags, etc. All of the things they have asked about are things that I've designed. So, I might as well do it, eh? No harm in trying?

Now I'm afraid to do this.. namely because I am afraid of failure. I've NEVER failed at anything I've set out to do in my life... and this is kind of a big thing since I put so much of myself into the things that I create. So I'm a little nervous, but I've finally got the balls to go out and do what I've been talking about for years now. The ironic thing is.. when I was younger I owned my own jewelry store. It went really well... that is until school became priority and I couldn't do it any longer. So I'm hoping this one will go as well as the last one that I did.

How am I going to do this you ask? Well, I have to get my name out there.. have people realize what I do and what-not. There are two ways I am going to do this. The first way I plan on doing this is through a web presence. I'm going to adapt my web page into a portfolio for the web design and for a type of portfolio for the clothes that I've made.. I'm even going to put some things out there that are actually for sale. That's the first order of business. The second is going to be business cards, which I have already made. After that, I'll go onto e-bay, myspace, and possibly attempt to sell some of my things to little shops here and there and see how that goes.

So.. I have many aspirations and dreams right now. Dreams that I'm hoping will soon become a way to make money and will also be something that I enjoy doing tremendously.

The best way to beat the system? To join it..join it your own way and take it down from the inside. Yes.

Other things going on right now? I have my associates degree.. I have a year and some odd months left before I attain my bachelors. After that? The skies the limit.

Wish me luck!
<3

.:Posted by Miss Useless:.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I've been doing a lot of thinking today... whilst sitting here listening to Social D and waiting for my finals to come. I finish the tests in 15 minutes.. make a 90 and then wait 2 and a half hours for the next one. So as I said.. PLENTY of time for thinking. I may go visit my baby at the store for a bit.. but, eh.. who knows.

Right now, I want to write these thoughts down.

I put myself out there as someone who is very sure of herself. Someone who knows what she wants, goes for it, and accomplishes her goal. I'm kind of young, but I'd still like to think I have a handle on myself. This semester has been stressful, although not as stressful as last semester. I've had to sit down and actually do some planning. And that's been tough. I've never been a planner. I kind of like to move in the flow of things and go with them as they come to me.

But I've had to plan. I have my associates right now. [[Or at least I'm SUPPOSED to, still waiting for the approval from the business office]] I'm going on to UHV to get my bachelors. And honestly, for the first time in my life. I'm kind of scared. The classes are going to be difficult. Very difficult. Business classes, classes I don't rightly enjoy. Classes I don't really want to take. But I think it will be able to help me out. Maybe.

I honestly still don't know what I'm doing. Or why in the hell I'm doing it. What's the point in this all? Will I actually be able to get anywhere with what I'm trying to do? Will I be able to survive?

I'm supposed to be out by next Spring.. so a year and half left. Will I be able to do that? Can I pull it off? 20 hours a semester, 30 hours of work, hard homework. Studying. And no time for relaxing? Honestly? I think I'm going to kill myself.

What about Josh and I? Are we going to go anywhere? Stay here in Victoria? Move to Austin? Are we going to be living in one room apartments our whole life? I'd like to get married. I'd like to live in my own house with an actual yard. I'd like a lot of things.

I'm also rather scared of what it will be like in the real world.... With real jobs. No days off for school. 40 hours a week. Day in, day out. Same monotonous cycle of the day before. Can I live that way?

I want to see the world. I want to go see the other states that are in this great country. I want to go to Europe.

There are so many things I WANT to do.. but I don't know if I'll be able to. But well, soon, I'll have to face this fear. The fear of failing myself. Soon I'll have to prove to myself that I can do what I set out to do instead of constantly second guessing myself. Sometimes it's hard to get rid of self image problem. Sometimes it never truly goes away.. because you always have doubts about yourself and what you can do. You can never truly excell because you, not others, hold yourself back.

I suppose all I can do is let the future come to me, deal with it as it comes, and then overcome it. No point in worrying about things that HAVEN'T happened yet, eh?

Anyways.

I think I'm going to go to the mall and get some sugar covered pecans.
Peace.
< 3

.:Posted by Miss Useless:.